blues

Last weekend, my friends and I were by the sea.

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Funny misadventures and a whole lot of sun. I wish I could afford to go to the beach whenever I wanted to. I tried telling a friend about my house-by-the-beach wish and he thought I was being factitious, which made me sad, mostly because the probability of it coming true is close to zero at the moment. Wishing for stuff is free but I feel guilty just thinking about it.

Maybe one day. When I get scared about the future and how to make things work, I think about the past 10 years, all the things that paid of because of hard work, all the world’s generosity, how it has taken so many chances with me and has treated me so kindly. And also God, because even though I still have a ton of questions, at the end of the day, maybe I do believe.

I think about my dad, too. He ran away from his home in the province at 16, and just worked hard and ploughed through life, and now our family is taken care of. We still have our struggles, but he just perseveres through everything. He is the most patient man I know, and he doesn’t get a bad attitude about life even though things take a turn (or two or four thousand) for the worst.

I also think about New York. It could have been any other place, but the point is that I’ve struggled (mentally, emotionally) for a long time with people telling me I couldn’t make it, that I won’t get anywhere with what I want to do, that it’s so useless. But I did make it. I actually achieved something much bigger than myself. I guess that’s why I get so emotional when I talk about what I do. I never thought I’d be able to make it. Sometimes I still feel like I’m a black sheep, but, in a good way, I can’t even afford to sulk about that now because I actually have work to do. It has come to a point where I don’t want to care anymore whether what people are saying about me is true or not. I’ve proven at least once that success is attainable, that my work helps other people, that I will be able to support myself AND others someday, and that I’m going to be ok. So there.

I’m going to be ok.


In other news, I tried to clear my head today and made things that aren’t really for anything. Through the years I’ve found that it has become something of a luxury? Or maybe I just don’t prioritize it as much anymore. However, I know I can still manage my resources much better so I can work more efficiently. Now, if I can only miraculously spend less time getting stuck in city traffic everyday…

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Just a few collages of trees, and the sum of parts. I think I’m happy with how they came out. Actually, I’m happy I was able to come up with anything at all.

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I’ll try to squeeze in making prints to sell next weekend at Art in The Park. April 3, Jaime Velasquez Park, Salcedo Village, Makati. I’ll be at the Ang Ilustrador ng Kabataan booth, say hello, yes?


 

And a couple of miscellany from today.

1. It was a good backyard bird day, with a great view from the work desk. Sparrows (the beloved Maya), nightingales (yellow-vented bulbul), and that one pied fantail that keeps chasing our dog around.

2. This afternoon I finished BBC Radio’s adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s Neverwhere. Enjoyed it a lot, especially when I had chosen to replace the image of Islington with Smaug, because Benedict Cumberbatch.

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